An Anti-Valentine

i went into the cvs today to pick up a prescription and was confronted by racks upon racks of pink hearts. valentines day is, what, february 14th? it's still january, right?

i hate this holiday. actually, i hate most holidays. as we know, holidays aren't for celebrating anything but the deeply-held religious belief that topping off your credit card will, in fact, fix the economy. the holiday spirit loves you. do you love the holiday spirit? it is treason not to be happy.

i hate valentines day. most shades of pink give me a rash. i've seen hearts. granted, most of them were soaked in formaldehyde. even if they weren't, they wouldn't look a thing like the pink monstrosities on the rack at cvs. where's the blood? am i really supposed to believe that the sanitized symbol has any relationship to the real thing, as if a broken heart could be replaced by an off-the-shelf piece of neon-colored non-recyclable cardboard filled with chocolates that taste like dryer lint?

you know what valentines day really is? it's a message that if you (yes, you) don't have a significant other of the opposite gender to exchange overpriced flowers and flavorless chocolate with, you are economically useless to this country, morally deficient, psychologically sub-standard, and a waste of dna. have you got laid recently? no? don't you know that all the tanned, gleaming, over-endowed men and women in the beer commercials are laughing at you? they're saying, "get with the program, american consumer of form over substance! it doesn't matter whether or not you are really in love, as long as all of your friends think you are and turn green! in time for saint patrick's day!"

now making plans to blow up a hallmark store, lauren

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